Scribbler's Cafe

Unable to quiet the mind....

I couldn't sleep last night. There were so many reasons:

- My neighbor's pounding stereo
lovin' you is what I got remember that
lovin' you is what I got remember that
lovin' you is what I got remember that

- My fist on the wall
BAM BAM BAM
BAM BAM BAM

- The car alarm that went off sometime after 1 am. I have never heard a car alarm go off in our peaceful cherry blossom neighborhood. I don’t know whose car it was, but judging by the intensity of the alarm, they must keep it parked on my nightstand.

- My husband's normally slender body that increases in size at night to take up 9/10ths of the mattress, and then radiates more heat than the sun.

- Dante: the cat who likes to lick any exposed skin and who takes up the remaining 1/10th of the mattress.

Yet, the greatest contributor to my insomnia was ANGST. I checked my blog. I use this word in every other post. Angst is outdated and oh so 1990, yet my spirit is riddled with this ridiculous PoMo emotion.

The War. For all logical reasons - I should just accept what I cannot change, I can't believe that my actions have no impact on the world. I should just see my privilege as some sad fact of humanity and just be thankful I landed in the haves camp and not the have nots camp. My mind and heart would be so much more peaceful if only my filter was narrowed to let in only what facts I need to live out my day-to-day life and plan my sparkling future. Sure, it's okay to feel bad about the war and the violence in the world - just don't let it keep you up at night.

I fail at measured apathy. Crap.

I've started a correspondence with a woman in India. (Hi Priya!) We’ve exchanged a few lengthy emails discussing love and marriage and touched on the war in Iraq. She blows me away. Her emails are so forthright and thoughtful. I am thankful that she answered my post on her blog. She reached out to me at a when I need the reassurance of the sane, empathetic souls that live outside my commodified little reality.

Reaching beyond the bounds of what is already known to me comforts and calms my angst. The world is full of people whose perspectives and values have not entered my awareness. Perhaps as I find these new voices, they will bring me hope.

posted by Scribbler @ Wednesday, June 30, 2004